My Hurley Blog

Washington, DC - According to email memos and notes released by Homeland Security this morning, Republican presidential candidate, John Dwight McSame, with the cooperation of Vice Cheney's office, has been pressuring the Honolulu Draft Board to induct Dem hopeful, Barrack Obama, into the Army. In one secretly taped conversation, McSame is heard screaming, "He never served a day. Get this pansy into boot camp, shave his heard, and get him doing push-ups. Did I mention he is an uppidy negro?" while aids laugh rauciously in the background. A hightly placed campaign adivser denied that this is not a move to remove the popular Democratic candidate from the November ballot, saying "We also want to draft Dennis Kucinich and all his children for seven generations."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Thomas Silas, the first man drafted in 1940.

     After a poor winter, terrible spring, and ever-increasing oil prices, Iron County, through some hard working elected officials, was fortunate enough to get the attention of Wisconsin’s Governor Jim Doyle.

Atlanta, GA - Gazing south across the mountains of Georgia from a hill in the historical Chicamauga battlefield south of Nashville, Republican presidential candidate John Dwight McSame, flanked by his perpetual wingman, Joe Lieberman, and the ghost of William Tecumseh Sherman (who looked much more robust and healthy than the aging Arizona Senator), vowed to drive the Russian troops into the sea. Asked if they were looking at the correct Georgia, McSame's foreign policy spokesman, Randy Scheunemann, stated, "How should I know... I just know they pay very well for lobbying for them."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Gen. John Bell Hood, a childhood friend of McSame's, who predicted that the Russian troops in Georgia would not put up as stiff a defense as he did.

• Board of Public Works -_5:30 P.M.
  (Richards, Aijala, Lanctoe)
• Police, Fire & License Committee
  (Bruneau, Mussatti, Francis)
  Immediately following the Board of Public Works meeting
• Finance Committee
  (Mussatti, Richards, Bruneau)
  Immediately following the Police, Fire & License Committee meeting
• City Council Meeting - 6:30 P.M.

     Seventh District Congressman Dave Obey (D-WI) is spending the next two days with the Border Patrol to review security issues as they relate to the northern border.

Dayton, OH - Here in the former Rubber Capital of the World, officials of Firestone Tires, a former US manufacturing giant, today, in a thinly veiled attempt to aid Republican Presidential Candidate, John Dwight McSame, announced a joint operation with Exxon Oil Company to distribute tens of thousands of antique ice picks to gasoline stations across the country to be used to lower the air pressure in the tires of McSame's loyal supporters. The Exxon spokesperson, Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf (formerly known as Baghdad Bob) observed that increased gasoline sales can maintain Exxon's profits without raising the already confiscatory price per gallon. Firestone's vice president, Isoroku Yamamoto, explained how the deflation should be handled by a trained technician, since using the pick on the valve rather than the sidewall of the tire endangers employment advances on the Japanese mainland. Although not there for the ceremonies, McSame thanked the foreign executives during a brief conference call with the United States Chamber of Commerce, the originator of the program.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Lizzie Andrew Borden who regrets not getting the contract for her line of signature axes.

Phoenix, AZ - Amid continued discussions about whether night vision video makes commercials look too militaristic, adivisers for Republican Presidential Candidate John Dwight McSame today admitted that heiress and celebretante, Paris Hilton, is quickly becoming the leader in the continued search for a willing running mate. Highly placed campaign operatives point out that she could give McSame "street cred" in New York and Los Angeles, two states with many younger and more hip voters. "Though she would be new to politics, nobody calls Paris inexperienced or naive," stated Cindy McSame, who looks like and shares a privileged upbringing much like the Hilton heiress.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by P.T.Barnum, who hopes to add Senator McSame to his collection.

With this, the 400th edition of Phone eNews, I regretfully must warn readers of the end of the impending end of the Phone eNews era. In view of a probable McSame victory in November, I am expecting fantastic financial rewards from the next big financial bubble, susistence farming. I'm investing heavily in an Ohio company that produces one bottom plows with harnesses fitted for the average American housewife. We've contracted that exercise guy, Richard Simmons, to do a video, "Plowing to the Oldies." A McSame spokesman stated, "Nothing in John Dwight's Supreme Court nominations will interfere with this. We are against leather for kinky sex, not as an aid for women taking their rightful place as productive members of American society."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by fellow invester James Dobson, who paid the McSame campaign millions to get in on the ground floor of this.

While the national press has been focused on presidential politics, the 110th Congress has been quietly producing some significant legislation.

     With a bipartisan majority, the House of Representatives today approved a package, put together by Seventh District Congressman Dave Obey’s (D-WI) Appropriations Committee, which increases VA mileage compensation by nearly fifty percent to help veterans who have to drive long distances to receive medical care. Last year, the Congress approved the first VA mileage compensation increase since 1979, and with today’s increase, has nearly quadrupled the compensation rate over the last two years.