My Hurley Blog

Washington, DC - Mitch McConnel, Republican Leader in the Senate, today defended defended an earmark attached by indicted Republican Senator Ted Stevens to an appropriations bill, that provides $250 Million (same ast the famous Bridge to NoWhere) for a special high security annex to a prison in nearby rural Maryland. "This is not a frill. Although it is not expected to have to house more than a dozen Republican Senators, we need excess capacity just in case and the conference areas for Republican Caucus Meetings is essential." Convicted felon and Republican prison expert, Charles Colson, further explained that earlier plans for a wing of VIP suites using existing common areas for prisoners would expose Republican Senators to tauting and catcalls from prisoners "who often don't look like our people," adding that "They look more like our expected opponent. Anyhow, no existing prison had sufficient wet walls for the vast array of tubes needed to keep the Senators on line with Mat Drudge and Faux News."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Scooter Libby who admits that he would not have been afraid to serve time in a special prison inhabited by elderly Republican Senators that he could outrun.

     The Iron County Board of Supervisors will meet on Thursday, July 31, 2008 at 6:00 PM at the Courthouse in Hurley, Wisconsin. The meeting is open to the public per Chapter 19, Sub Chapter V, Wisconsin Statutes.

A recent report from the Transportation Safety Board has revealed that, since John McSame has started doing his own driving, the turn signal indicator on the Straight Talk Express has been rusted into the left turn position, even though he has been following the Bu$h Super Highway straight at speeds upwards of 15 mph. Joe "I get shotgun" Lieberman, John Dwight's special friend and wingman at numerous appearances in Florida old folks homes, defends McSame by stating, "It is important to avoid excessive speeds while keeping two wheels on the right shoulder." During a recent trip, while leading a string of cars that made Obama's Berlin crowds seem small in comparison and mellow in demeanor, the bus logged over 300 miles of blinking lefts while closely following pResident Bu$h in repeated turns to the right. Following the road trip, Cindy McSame, the candidate's slight blonde celebretante wife, was taped for an upcoming ad as she washed the bus herself, in a scene reminiscent of the famous Paris Hilton hamburger commercial.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Caesar Chavez, who is representing a group of ten thousand Mexican truck drivers who crossed the border illegally in hope of getting the job driving McSame's bus.

Jerusalem - Complaining about the stage craft involved in the Obama visit, one reporter yelled to him as he entered the gates riding a donkey. On a hill that rises near Capernaum on the Sea of Galilee, one reporter (who looked strangely like John Hagee) from behind a police line yelled, "Screw the fishes... can you do something with this jerry can of gas?"

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by John Dwight McSame.

Washington, DC - Responding to the now viral internet joke:

"A kid on a Schwin knocked on Colin Powel's door and yelled "Telegram from Senator McSame!" When opened, it said, "Heard you were thinking of voting for Obama. Stop"

     The new John McSame fact checking website stated, "John doesn't use telegrams. He's pissed off that he has to leave restaurants to send smoke signals."  The response was sent by US Postal Service and is expected to hit newsrooms early next week.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Samuel Morse who claims McSame was old when he was a kid.

     Seventh District Congressman Dave Obey (D-WI) supported the passage today of the Clean Boating Act to protect recreational boaters from tough new regulations on discharges that could expose boat operators to fines of up to $32,500 per day.

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     “Two things that have happened in the last two weeks show that we have been right to try to set a timeline with a reasonable goal for ending our combat role in Iraq.

Mississippi-New Mexico Border - Looking for wall he voted in favor of, presidential hopeful, John Dwight interrupted his tour of his homes in the southwest, his Phoenix condo near Biltmore Fashion Park, his 6 cabins in Hidden Valley, AZ, and 2 condos in Coronado, refusing to spend more than every weekend in his Arlington, VA home refusing to answer calls from the recently fired Phil Graham. McCain/Bu$h has announced that American citizens' voluntarily lowering their standard of living will increase corporate profits and make the impending recession more shallow and short lived. Already, reductions in driving have forced auto insurance companies to consider reducing rates, buying local vegetables has allowed savings because fewer FDA inspectors are needed, and suicides/starvations have decreased life expectancy and rendered Social Security solvent thru the year 2050. As rural families return to subsistance farming, the unemployment rate has steadied and is expected to fall as these families lose electric and phone service and can no longer sign up for government unemployment insurance.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman, who often, including his recent trip to Czechoslovakia (which like the border between Iraq and Afghanistan doesn't exist) functions as McSame's take-along, designated audience.

Kabul, Afghanistan - Unconfirmed reports from NorthEastern Afghanistan and tribal areas of Pakistan allege that Campaign workers from the McSame campaign are distributing copies of Democratic candidate Barrack Obama's itinerary from the Straight Talk Express (which might explain why Straight Talk has not been seen in the US lately). Other Taliban warriors indicate their copy came from the sky after a flyover by an American commercial jet. Several network reporters, frustrated by the security around Obama's travels, have expressed gratitude for the copies that they have purchased in local markets.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Nuri al-Maliki who complained that the Bu$h administration had not informed him of the upcoming visit.

     Calling it “a commonsense, short-term approach to our energy problems,” Seventh District Congressman Dave Obey (D-WI) voted today for a bill intended to promote responsible domestic drilling and production of oil and natural gas, particularly in the 20 million acres of the National Petroleum Reserve in Alaska.