Phone eNews

Washington, DC - Mitch McConnel, Republican Leader in the Senate, today defended defended an earmark attached by indicted Republican Senator Ted Stevens to an appropriations bill, that provides $250 Million (same ast the famous Bridge to NoWhere) for a special high security annex to a prison in nearby rural Maryland. "This is not a frill. Although it is not expected to have to house more than a dozen Republican Senators, we need excess capacity just in case and the conference areas for Republican Caucus Meetings is essential." Convicted felon and Republican prison expert, Charles Colson, further explained that earlier plans for a wing of VIP suites using existing common areas for prisoners would expose Republican Senators to tauting and catcalls from prisoners "who often don't look like our people," adding that "They look more like our expected opponent. Anyhow, no existing prison had sufficient wet walls for the vast array of tubes needed to keep the Senators on line with Mat Drudge and Faux News."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Scooter Libby who admits that he would not have been afraid to serve time in a special prison inhabited by elderly Republican Senators that he could outrun.

A recent report from the Transportation Safety Board has revealed that, since John McSame has started doing his own driving, the turn signal indicator on the Straight Talk Express has been rusted into the left turn position, even though he has been following the Bu$h Super Highway straight at speeds upwards of 15 mph. Joe "I get shotgun" Lieberman, John Dwight's special friend and wingman at numerous appearances in Florida old folks homes, defends McSame by stating, "It is important to avoid excessive speeds while keeping two wheels on the right shoulder." During a recent trip, while leading a string of cars that made Obama's Berlin crowds seem small in comparison and mellow in demeanor, the bus logged over 300 miles of blinking lefts while closely following pResident Bu$h in repeated turns to the right. Following the road trip, Cindy McSame, the candidate's slight blonde celebretante wife, was taped for an upcoming ad as she washed the bus herself, in a scene reminiscent of the famous Paris Hilton hamburger commercial.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Caesar Chavez, who is representing a group of ten thousand Mexican truck drivers who crossed the border illegally in hope of getting the job driving McSame's bus.

Jerusalem - Complaining about the stage craft involved in the Obama visit, one reporter yelled to him as he entered the gates riding a donkey. On a hill that rises near Capernaum on the Sea of Galilee, one reporter (who looked strangely like John Hagee) from behind a police line yelled, "Screw the fishes... can you do something with this jerry can of gas?"

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by John Dwight McSame.

Washington, DC - Responding to the now viral internet joke:

"A kid on a Schwin knocked on Colin Powel's door and yelled "Telegram from Senator McSame!" When opened, it said, "Heard you were thinking of voting for Obama. Stop"

     The new John McSame fact checking website stated, "John doesn't use telegrams. He's pissed off that he has to leave restaurants to send smoke signals."  The response was sent by US Postal Service and is expected to hit newsrooms early next week.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Samuel Morse who claims McSame was old when he was a kid.

Mississippi-New Mexico Border - Looking for wall he voted in favor of, presidential hopeful, John Dwight interrupted his tour of his homes in the southwest, his Phoenix condo near Biltmore Fashion Park, his 6 cabins in Hidden Valley, AZ, and 2 condos in Coronado, refusing to spend more than every weekend in his Arlington, VA home refusing to answer calls from the recently fired Phil Graham. McCain/Bu$h has announced that American citizens' voluntarily lowering their standard of living will increase corporate profits and make the impending recession more shallow and short lived. Already, reductions in driving have forced auto insurance companies to consider reducing rates, buying local vegetables has allowed savings because fewer FDA inspectors are needed, and suicides/starvations have decreased life expectancy and rendered Social Security solvent thru the year 2050. As rural families return to subsistance farming, the unemployment rate has steadied and is expected to fall as these families lose electric and phone service and can no longer sign up for government unemployment insurance.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman, who often, including his recent trip to Czechoslovakia (which like the border between Iraq and Afghanistan doesn't exist) functions as McSame's take-along, designated audience.

Kabul, Afghanistan - Unconfirmed reports from NorthEastern Afghanistan and tribal areas of Pakistan allege that Campaign workers from the McSame campaign are distributing copies of Democratic candidate Barrack Obama's itinerary from the Straight Talk Express (which might explain why Straight Talk has not been seen in the US lately). Other Taliban warriors indicate their copy came from the sky after a flyover by an American commercial jet. Several network reporters, frustrated by the security around Obama's travels, have expressed gratitude for the copies that they have purchased in local markets.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Nuri al-Maliki who complained that the Bu$h administration had not informed him of the upcoming visit.

West Point, NY - Gen Wesley Clark, in comments to the student body of this historic military institution, stated, "Benedict Arnold, a former commander here and the hero of Sarratoga and one of George Washington's top generals, did not by his heroic service, qualify himself to be President of the United States." In response to the massive outrage by Republican Hate Radio claiming that Clark had dissed George Washington, Republican presidential candidate, John Dwight McSame stated, "Although heroic service shows character and fosters national media attention, it is what is done after the fight that teaches a man the wisdom, insight, and administrative skills that MAY qualify him to lead the nation. Time in the trenches didn't qualify Truman, time swimming in Blackett Strait between Kolombangara and Arundel didn't qualify Kennedy and time in "Hellcats of the Navy" did not qualify Ronald Reagan." Recalling how the American electoral landscape is littered with war heros who were found deficient: McGovern, Gore, Kerry, or proved to be incompetent: Grant, Bu$h, went on to state, "My time in the Hanoi Hilton pales compared to the full measure exacted of heros that died in Vietnam and will never have the honor of being supported by their fellow citizens for any elective office."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Max Cleland, who was widely smeared by Republicans for having lost three limbs rather than using a grenade to cost some North Vietnamese soldier three limbs.

Phoenix, AZ - After a disappointing third in the Car Washing Event (If over 18 and a less sensitive viewer, see http://www.spike.com/video/2671832.) the older and saggier Paris Hilton look-a-like, Cindy McSame scored near perfect in Valley Girl Speak, Airhead Simulation, and the StepFord Wife competition, and posted a stunning come from behind victory, made all the more spectacular because Cindy admitted that she had never starred in a night vision video. Many commentators called "foul play" after Paris was shown in a pre-recorded interview talking about how she had actually modeled her life after the Arizona heiress and beer distributor titan. "Before my coming out, I actually went to the Tail Hook Convention to audition virile young naval aviators" stated the svelt Hilton heir, adding "but John was taken and Dukester Cunningham was too old."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Duke Cunnigham who is touring the talk shows to publicize his new book, I Didn't Have Sex With THAT Woman.

St.Louis, MO - Amid squeals of despair and shouts of treason, it was revealed in the wake of the sale of Anheuser-Busch to InBev of Belgium (near France) that Cindy McSame, wife of the Republican candidate for president, will make $17 million off the deal. Reached for comment, her financial advisor, Charles Keating stated, "She's had a cash flow problem since she ran up $750,000.00 on her American Express cards. This will keep her in bon bons and wrinkle creames until John takes office and the real money starts flowing in." The thin blonde heiress/celebretante has avoided disclosure of most of her financial records, revealing only two pages of tax forms and the ownership of 8 mansions (failing to make property tax payments on at least of of them) but association with the impending new Bud line of red colored beer to be served at room temperature in small stemmed glasses is widely seen as a political negative.  However, the Europeans plan to change the Bu$ch brand to "Freedom Beer" could erase the association with the current and unpopular pResident and offset this.  There appear to be no plans to pay NASCAR to rename the former Busch Grand National Series the "Chateau Haut Brion StockCar Tour."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by John McSame who says he will get even more money when he sells the Seventh Cavalry to the Ogallala Sioux.

Washington, DC - In a strange echo of the early days of the Bu$h administration, when advisers had to teach George W. Bu$h how to use the Speak and Spell, McSame advisers have embarked on teaching the "old dog" new tricks, how to use the computer and internet. (When told that there was only one, McSame swore loudly about how Bu$h had "internets" and must have bombed one without Congressional approval.) On condition of anonymity, a technical adviser said, "He confused double-click with double-speak and wanted to use two antithetical buttons. We straightened him out by having him send the letter "i" in morse code." He enjoyed Google maps, but, in view of his suggestion that Obama should visit it, was frustrated by his inability to find Czechoslovakia. He enjoyed satelite views of Carthage, remarking on how useful that would have been back when he was fighting the Punic Wars.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Steve Jobs who was seen shaking his head and saying, "I thought I had it idiot proof."