Phone eNews

Dayton, OH - Here in the former Rubber Capital of the World, officials of Firestone Tires, a former US manufacturing giant, today, in a thinly veiled attempt to aid Republican Presidential Candidate, John Dwight McSame, announced a joint operation with Exxon Oil Company to distribute tens of thousands of antique ice picks to gasoline stations across the country to be used to lower the air pressure in the tires of McSame's loyal supporters. The Exxon spokesperson, Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf (formerly known as Baghdad Bob) observed that increased gasoline sales can maintain Exxon's profits without raising the already confiscatory price per gallon. Firestone's vice president, Isoroku Yamamoto, explained how the deflation should be handled by a trained technician, since using the pick on the valve rather than the sidewall of the tire endangers employment advances on the Japanese mainland. Although not there for the ceremonies, McSame thanked the foreign executives during a brief conference call with the United States Chamber of Commerce, the originator of the program.

---

This item was called in to Phone eNews by Lizzie Andrew Borden who regrets not getting the contract for her line of signature axes.

Phoenix, AZ - Amid continued discussions about whether night vision video makes commercials look too militaristic, adivisers for Republican Presidential Candidate John Dwight McSame today admitted that heiress and celebretante, Paris Hilton, is quickly becoming the leader in the continued search for a willing running mate. Highly placed campaign operatives point out that she could give McSame "street cred" in New York and Los Angeles, two states with many younger and more hip voters. "Though she would be new to politics, nobody calls Paris inexperienced or naive," stated Cindy McSame, who looks like and shares a privileged upbringing much like the Hilton heiress.

---

This item was called in to Phone eNews by P.T.Barnum, who hopes to add Senator McSame to his collection.