Phone eNews

Washington, DC - According to email memos and notes released by Homeland Security this morning, Republican presidential candidate, John Dwight McSame, with the cooperation of Vice Cheney's office, has been pressuring the Honolulu Draft Board to induct Dem hopeful, Barrack Obama, into the Army. In one secretly taped conversation, McSame is heard screaming, "He never served a day. Get this pansy into boot camp, shave his heard, and get him doing push-ups. Did I mention he is an uppidy negro?" while aids laugh rauciously in the background. A hightly placed campaign adivser denied that this is not a move to remove the popular Democratic candidate from the November ballot, saying "We also want to draft Dennis Kucinich and all his children for seven generations."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Thomas Silas, the first man drafted in 1940.

Atlanta, GA - Gazing south across the mountains of Georgia from a hill in the historical Chicamauga battlefield south of Nashville, Republican presidential candidate John Dwight McSame, flanked by his perpetual wingman, Joe Lieberman, and the ghost of William Tecumseh Sherman (who looked much more robust and healthy than the aging Arizona Senator), vowed to drive the Russian troops into the sea. Asked if they were looking at the correct Georgia, McSame's foreign policy spokesman, Randy Scheunemann, stated, "How should I know... I just know they pay very well for lobbying for them."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Gen. John Bell Hood, a childhood friend of McSame's, who predicted that the Russian troops in Georgia would not put up as stiff a defense as he did.

Dayton, OH - Here in the former Rubber Capital of the World, officials of Firestone Tires, a former US manufacturing giant, today, in a thinly veiled attempt to aid Republican Presidential Candidate, John Dwight McSame, announced a joint operation with Exxon Oil Company to distribute tens of thousands of antique ice picks to gasoline stations across the country to be used to lower the air pressure in the tires of McSame's loyal supporters. The Exxon spokesperson, Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf (formerly known as Baghdad Bob) observed that increased gasoline sales can maintain Exxon's profits without raising the already confiscatory price per gallon. Firestone's vice president, Isoroku Yamamoto, explained how the deflation should be handled by a trained technician, since using the pick on the valve rather than the sidewall of the tire endangers employment advances on the Japanese mainland. Although not there for the ceremonies, McSame thanked the foreign executives during a brief conference call with the United States Chamber of Commerce, the originator of the program.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Lizzie Andrew Borden who regrets not getting the contract for her line of signature axes.

Phoenix, AZ - Amid continued discussions about whether night vision video makes commercials look too militaristic, adivisers for Republican Presidential Candidate John Dwight McSame today admitted that heiress and celebretante, Paris Hilton, is quickly becoming the leader in the continued search for a willing running mate. Highly placed campaign operatives point out that she could give McSame "street cred" in New York and Los Angeles, two states with many younger and more hip voters. "Though she would be new to politics, nobody calls Paris inexperienced or naive," stated Cindy McSame, who looks like and shares a privileged upbringing much like the Hilton heiress.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by P.T.Barnum, who hopes to add Senator McSame to his collection.

With this, the 400th edition of Phone eNews, I regretfully must warn readers of the end of the impending end of the Phone eNews era. In view of a probable McSame victory in November, I am expecting fantastic financial rewards from the next big financial bubble, susistence farming. I'm investing heavily in an Ohio company that produces one bottom plows with harnesses fitted for the average American housewife. We've contracted that exercise guy, Richard Simmons, to do a video, "Plowing to the Oldies." A McSame spokesman stated, "Nothing in John Dwight's Supreme Court nominations will interfere with this. We are against leather for kinky sex, not as an aid for women taking their rightful place as productive members of American society."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by fellow invester James Dobson, who paid the McSame campaign millions to get in on the ground floor of this.

Washington, DC - In commemoration of the 40th anniversary of the encyclical
of Pope Paul VI banning artificial birth control, pResident Bu$h declared that it is now the official position of the United States government that life begins before conception and that all attempts at contraception are murder. Surrounded by a group of potential anti-abortion sabateurs who wish to be employed by Planned Parenthood, Bu$h stated, "When you were just a twinkle in your daddy's eye, you were a gift from God and any attempt to prevent you would have been a "conscious act against the will of God" and the murder of a human being." Under the new federal rules, refusing to fill prescriptions for "Plan B" or "The Pill" cannot be considered cause for dismissal of phamacists, no matter how loud and abusive they become at the customer and ... sale of condoms will result in arrest and trial for murder as an "accessory before the (f)ACT."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by a Advil researcher who suspects that Laura Bu$h has had one headache too many and that Barbara Bush has had one headache too few.

Dover, Delaware - From the offices of Dover International Speedway, Democratic Presidential candidate, Barrack Obama, announced a two race deal with DEI to be the primary sponser of the #8 US Army car in the Dover 400 and Kansas 400, the last two Sprint Cup races before the November election. The McSame campaign immediately called foul, pointing to a NY Times article that called for his own entry, a turn of the century "Go or Go Home" Stanley Steamer that would have to qualify on time, to be banned from the race because of fogging of windshields of cars in its draft.  Ignoring the technical specifications of the "Car of Today," McSame crew members shocked Goodyear engineers by putting an extra 15 pounds of air pressure into left tires and adjusting the sway bars to facilitate sharp right turns on the ovals.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Darrell Waltrip who laughed hysterically while stating that even he would not accept the McSame ride.

Washington, DC - Mitch McConnel, Republican Leader in the Senate, today defended defended an earmark attached by indicted Republican Senator Ted Stevens to an appropriations bill, that provides $250 Million (same ast the famous Bridge to NoWhere) for a special high security annex to a prison in nearby rural Maryland. "This is not a frill. Although it is not expected to have to house more than a dozen Republican Senators, we need excess capacity just in case and the conference areas for Republican Caucus Meetings is essential." Convicted felon and Republican prison expert, Charles Colson, further explained that earlier plans for a wing of VIP suites using existing common areas for prisoners would expose Republican Senators to tauting and catcalls from prisoners "who often don't look like our people," adding that "They look more like our expected opponent. Anyhow, no existing prison had sufficient wet walls for the vast array of tubes needed to keep the Senators on line with Mat Drudge and Faux News."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Scooter Libby who admits that he would not have been afraid to serve time in a special prison inhabited by elderly Republican Senators that he could outrun.

A recent report from the Transportation Safety Board has revealed that, since John McSame has started doing his own driving, the turn signal indicator on the Straight Talk Express has been rusted into the left turn position, even though he has been following the Bu$h Super Highway straight at speeds upwards of 15 mph. Joe "I get shotgun" Lieberman, John Dwight's special friend and wingman at numerous appearances in Florida old folks homes, defends McSame by stating, "It is important to avoid excessive speeds while keeping two wheels on the right shoulder." During a recent trip, while leading a string of cars that made Obama's Berlin crowds seem small in comparison and mellow in demeanor, the bus logged over 300 miles of blinking lefts while closely following pResident Bu$h in repeated turns to the right. Following the road trip, Cindy McSame, the candidate's slight blonde celebretante wife, was taped for an upcoming ad as she washed the bus herself, in a scene reminiscent of the famous Paris Hilton hamburger commercial.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Caesar Chavez, who is representing a group of ten thousand Mexican truck drivers who crossed the border illegally in hope of getting the job driving McSame's bus.

Jerusalem - Complaining about the stage craft involved in the Obama visit, one reporter yelled to him as he entered the gates riding a donkey. On a hill that rises near Capernaum on the Sea of Galilee, one reporter (who looked strangely like John Hagee) from behind a police line yelled, "Screw the fishes... can you do something with this jerry can of gas?"

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by John Dwight McSame.