Phone eNews

Washington, D.C. - Arguing that a left arm is not as important to a member of the government as a strong right arm, Health Insurance Company beaurocrats have turned down pre-approval of surgery on Sec of State Hillary Rodham Clinton's arm to repair damage caused by a "non-duty related" fall. "We were going to turn it down because the cause of the fall, gravity, existed prior to her enrollment in a government paid insurance plan," stated Stick M. Withittt, an insurance company spokesperson and former aid to Republican health care denier, John Boener, adding, "We hope that by just delaying it, she will die and make the care unnecessary."  Do-Gooder in Chief, President Barrack Obama, immediately requested that upcoming White House menus be adjusted, to quickly empty some gallon jugs of hambugher dill slices which will be distributed in DC gas stations and neighborhood diners to collect money for the Clinton surgery. The RNC has gratiously donated pictures of the former first lady with the caption "Help save Hillary ... All Donations Appreciated."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by American Medical Association (AMA) president Nancy Nielsen, who cites it as an example of the empathy and charity of Americans caring for our needy citizens.

Colorado Springs - South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham has revealed that Obama Supreme Court nominee, Sonja Sotomayor, is a known and practicing Tacoist. Atlanta's Andrew Young (a later proponent on Ying and Yang) admitted in sworn testimony that he has friends who have met with the Puerto Rican jurist in restaurants featuring Mexican cuisine, adding "I have seen pictures of her at a Taco Bell in suburban Maryland." Glen Beck was reduced to tears as he raised the spectre Of Sotomayor taking the oath of office with one hand in the air and the other on the Taco de Jing.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by former Republican House member, Thomas Gerard Tancredo, while sharing a plate of Nachos with former Evangelical leader Ted Haggard.

Washington, DC - During a spirited exchange on The Rush Limbaugh Show today, formerly secretive Vice President and current darling of Republican Hate Radio, Dick Cheney, revealed that not only had humorist Wanda Sykes been briefed on the torture techniques (sometimes called enhanced interrogation and sometimes called fraternity hazing) prior to May 2002, she was a major contributor to and supporter of the program. "Wanda was more important than Republican congressional weasels in the leadership that are now ducking behind Pelosi's skirts, hoping she will have to take the fall," joked "Big Dick" to the Rushbo's obvious delight. Many think that torture music was taken directly from Sykes' iPad.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by radio madman Glen Beck who broke down in tears while describing Ms. Sykes' abuse of his comrades during yesterday's White House Correspondents' Dinner.

Kenosha, WI - Republican Representative Frank James Sensenbrenner, today expressed pride and gratitude to Chrysler Corporation on its closing of the Kenosha engine plant, moving operations to Mexico. "This is a US company stepping up to the plate, doing its part in preventing illegal immigration from our disease infested neighbor to the south." A Chrysler mid level executive from Rome pointed out that when the industrial jobs are moved to Mexico, there is no need for Mexicans to move north to midwestern US manufacturing centers, adding, "They will no longer find jobs in the service industry in Kenosha ... there will be no money there ... and therfore will not immigrate." There will, however, be a lot of top of the line lawn mowers for sale prior to forclosures, and this will be an asset to US citizen/entrepreneurs moving to Mexico to start lawn care businesses for middle class Mexican auto workers, if the Mexican government allows them into the country.

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This item was called in by Wisconsin Representative Paul Ryan who still prefers a large fence and troops to shoot Mexicans crossing the border.

Hurley, WI - From the International Headquarters high over the shores of Lake Michelle, Egor Granovitz, Phone eNews' Medical Editor announced a ban on ALL airline, submarine, and enclosed dog sled travel for ALL Phone eNews officials and correspondents. "A ban only on international travel would ignor that the virus is already in the US," stated the a former student of Phoenix University's coursework on public health. Rumors that headquarters staff will not even answer calls from Mexico and 16 South and Central American countries were confirmed when he added, "Until we know we know how the virus is transmitted, no precaution will be overlooked.  Accepting a call from the regularly disinfected phones of Singapore is different than a call from Tijuana... you never know what you could catch off a phone there."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Lt. Gen. Shiro Ishii from Water Purification Unit 731.

Anchorage - Governor Sarah Palin today revealed she had won $100 and 200 pounds of whale blubber at a Wassilla bar betting on a basketball game. She had picked Michigan State to reach the NCAA Championship game, stating, "I knew our Alaskan boys were going to lose. They are so dumb! Did you see how they spelled Yukon?" Her bracket also predicted the North Carolina win which she explained was because 1) Villanova sounded Greek and no European team had ever won the NCAA tournament and 2) The North Carolina boys had added incentive because their state was also turning down Recovery money for extended unemployment benefits. Asked about the Championship game, she suggested that Michigan State and North Carolina should resign and have the tournament run over.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Marv Albert who admits he'd like to bite the governor on the neck.

Hollywood, CA - Our Lady of Perpetual Guilt, southern California's largest nominally Catholic mega church, today announced a 350% increase in attendance at Palm Sunday services since converting from palm fronds to hemp flowers for Ash Wednesday. Spokesperson, Sister Mary Discipline, explained that "We couldn't afford a new health club and Starbucks refused to expand to our lobby, so this was the only way we could grow the business and maintain our market share vis a vis several Protestant denominations." Asked for comment, American Indian Movement leader and chief of the Fugawi Tribe, John SnortingRabbit, stated, "Perhaps this will wake up the federal government and ease their restrictions on Peyote."  Prominent parishioners like Willie Nelson and Tommy Chong exited the church humming John Prine's "Illegal Smile" and were protected from arrest by a line of State troopers who kept ATF agents behind police barriers across the street.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by former Republican Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld who added, "I told George (Gen. George Armstrong Custer) to go in fast and light. If Reno hadn't been a Democrat surrender monkey, we would have finished the job and would not have these religious wackos incarcerated at Piney Ridge and casinos throughout the midwest."

Washington, DC - In an unprecedented move taking advantage of Pres. Obama's absence from the country, Republicans in the House and Senate fast tracked a bill thru which retroactively expells Michigan from the United States, effective 01 June 2008. Although this is not enough to change the results of the Electoral College vote which made Barrack Obama president, it accomplishes two important Republican goals, 1) Job losses for the Bu$h years are reduced by 3 million, returning Herbert Hoover to his position of greatest job loss president, and 2) Making Mitt Romney no longer a natural born citizen and thereby inelgible for the presidency. Many Republicans are also pointing out that Michigan is taking with it a $6 Trillion debt, balancing the Bu$h budget for years 2003-2007. Some constitutional scholars question the legality of the issue, but Ann Coulter stated, "The Civil War settled secession, not whether a state can be kicked out."   Asked about this surprise move, Republican heir apparent Gov. Sarah Palin said, "Do they still make cars in Detroit? I support domestic brands like Yugo and Citroen."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Mich Governor Granholm who said, "It's a deal as long as Wisconsin has to take Ironwood."

New York - CNBC business guru and evening headliner, Jim Cramer, through a spokesman, asserted today that the kind of fact checking and analysis demanded by Jon Stewart of the Daily Show is more appropriately content for a consumer protection show, stating, "If the people wanted that kind of information, they should put Ralph Nader on for an hour a night and give him a staff to chase Bernie Madoff, Jack Abramoff, Ken Lay and Phil Grahmn. Maybe GM would sponsor it." A "Mad Money" producer, on condition of anonymity, added, "Our target demographic is fat old rich guys. We try to inform them, in an entertaining manner, about the turkeys they will be able to dump to less informed investors in the next week or so." Egor Granovitz, president of the fan clubs of both Cramer and the Mayflower Madam commented, "CNBC is not like Speed. We don't have a gigantic number of poor, toothless NASCAR fans to draw from. It's like the Golf channel... a small but dedicated audience desired by up-scale advertisers. Rich folks have a right to their own TV channel... since they won't let us stage slave fights since the Civil War."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Miki Takebe, the New York Philharmonic's Vice President, Operations.

Washington DC - In one of the most wild and raucous debates witnessed since the Civil War, the House of Representatives today passed a controversial bill (H.RES.224: Supporting the designation of Pi Day, and for other purposes.) to make March 14th (3/14) PI Day in the United States. Lacking the filibuster, House Republicans first used a parlimentary ploy to force the Clerk to read the entire bill, including all digits of PI. After Speaker Pelosi attacked this as irrational, she fought back a string of ammendments by Dems concerned about refined sugars, red dyes, and adolescent obesity, and then right anti-pork purists who insisted the crusts be made with lard. Republican Party Leader Rush Limbaugh announced that he was the root of negative one, but was shouted down with cries of "Get Real!" Order returned to the floor only after Martha Stewart taught the Republicans how to cut a pie into seven pieces, increasing profits by 17%.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Albert Einstein who insists that March 14th really is just his birthday.