Phone eNews

John McSame is suspending his campaign tomorrow to fly to Anchorage to save the stalled negotiations over the Palin/Johnson wedding which is currently scheduled for the first day that Obama shows a 10 point national lead. "The NRA will have an small but integral role in the ceremony and that is a good thing." stated Martha Stewart. A nearby talking caribou that retorted, "But we still don't trust ..." The comment was interupted by a festive NRA representative with a 50 calibre semi-automatic sniper rifle with a night scope, who added, "This will NOT be a shotgun wedding." "I just love how down home and simple the decorations are," stated Contessa Davina Rothschild VonWickham, a former Clinton supporter who is funding the Boston Pops Orchestra to fly to Ankorage to play the wedding from a floral festooned stage in the corner of the Wasilla sports facility. An intimate affair of only 4000 family, friends, heads of state and carefully screened representatives of the press will witness the nuptuals. Republican strategists hope for a 7-9% bounce from live prime time coverage on all three major networks.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Miss Sarah Palin who says, "The pressure of being a Miss Alaska runner up is good prep for being VP... I was just a heartbeat away from Atlantic City."

Republican talking heads and McSame campaign surrogates are blaming the recent market meltdown on Alexander Hamilton and that "wishy washy liberal Democrat", Thomas Jefferson. They contend that this crisis has been building since 1776, pointing out that if the nation had continued the wise counsel of Millard Filmore (technically a Whig and No Nothing party member but forbearer of the GOP) famous for his 1848-49 reformation of the banking system, Texas would not have been admitted to the union and George W. Bu$h would not have been qualified to be pResident. Absent the Bu$h spin machine and Karl Rove, the Democrats might have prevented the dismantling of protective regulation of the banking industry by Phil Graham, McSame's primary economic advisor. Thru a campaign spokes person, candidate McSame stated, "We are proud of those who led the way, like Millard Filmore and his defender, Senator Henry S. Foote", who, on the floor of the Senate, nearly shot hard currency apologist Thomas Hart Benton, a known partisan Democrat, a duelist, and a topic from John F. Kennedy's Profiles in Courage.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Charles Lucas, a Missouri lawyer who, still now, wants wants a third shot at Benton.

Minneapolis, MN - Undaunted by Hurrican Gustav, currently well off shore but threatening the Gulf coast as it lines up for a rush up the Mississippi River to Minnesota timed to darken the Republican National Convention, Republican hopeful John McSame (Did we mention that he was a POW?) has changed the convention schedule to move his acceptance speech outside to the I-35W Mississippi River bridge, which catastrophically failed during the evening rush hour on August 1, 2007 killing 13, changing the performance from prime time to lunch hour so at least a few construction workers (warmed up by a performance by Paris Hilton) will be in attendance. A McSame spokesperson stated, "This takes the campaign to 'the working man', men who would not have been employed but for the Pawlenty and Bu$h administation's prescience in knowing that rebuilding it would employ more than timely maintenance, and prevents those pictures of the idle rich that have punctuated previous Republican gatherings."

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This was called in to Phone eNews by Dana Perino who claims that she still looks good enough in a bikini to be weather girl at small market Kansas television stations and is currently looking for work.

Washington, DC - According to email memos and notes released by Homeland Security this morning, Republican presidential candidate, John Dwight McSame, with the cooperation of Vice Cheney's office, has been pressuring the Honolulu Draft Board to induct Dem hopeful, Barrack Obama, into the Army. In one secretly taped conversation, McSame is heard screaming, "He never served a day. Get this pansy into boot camp, shave his heard, and get him doing push-ups. Did I mention he is an uppidy negro?" while aids laugh rauciously in the background. A hightly placed campaign adivser denied that this is not a move to remove the popular Democratic candidate from the November ballot, saying "We also want to draft Dennis Kucinich and all his children for seven generations."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Thomas Silas, the first man drafted in 1940.

Atlanta, GA - Gazing south across the mountains of Georgia from a hill in the historical Chicamauga battlefield south of Nashville, Republican presidential candidate John Dwight McSame, flanked by his perpetual wingman, Joe Lieberman, and the ghost of William Tecumseh Sherman (who looked much more robust and healthy than the aging Arizona Senator), vowed to drive the Russian troops into the sea. Asked if they were looking at the correct Georgia, McSame's foreign policy spokesman, Randy Scheunemann, stated, "How should I know... I just know they pay very well for lobbying for them."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Gen. John Bell Hood, a childhood friend of McSame's, who predicted that the Russian troops in Georgia would not put up as stiff a defense as he did.

Dayton, OH - Here in the former Rubber Capital of the World, officials of Firestone Tires, a former US manufacturing giant, today, in a thinly veiled attempt to aid Republican Presidential Candidate, John Dwight McSame, announced a joint operation with Exxon Oil Company to distribute tens of thousands of antique ice picks to gasoline stations across the country to be used to lower the air pressure in the tires of McSame's loyal supporters. The Exxon spokesperson, Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf (formerly known as Baghdad Bob) observed that increased gasoline sales can maintain Exxon's profits without raising the already confiscatory price per gallon. Firestone's vice president, Isoroku Yamamoto, explained how the deflation should be handled by a trained technician, since using the pick on the valve rather than the sidewall of the tire endangers employment advances on the Japanese mainland. Although not there for the ceremonies, McSame thanked the foreign executives during a brief conference call with the United States Chamber of Commerce, the originator of the program.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Lizzie Andrew Borden who regrets not getting the contract for her line of signature axes.

Phoenix, AZ - Amid continued discussions about whether night vision video makes commercials look too militaristic, adivisers for Republican Presidential Candidate John Dwight McSame today admitted that heiress and celebretante, Paris Hilton, is quickly becoming the leader in the continued search for a willing running mate. Highly placed campaign operatives point out that she could give McSame "street cred" in New York and Los Angeles, two states with many younger and more hip voters. "Though she would be new to politics, nobody calls Paris inexperienced or naive," stated Cindy McSame, who looks like and shares a privileged upbringing much like the Hilton heiress.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by P.T.Barnum, who hopes to add Senator McSame to his collection.

With this, the 400th edition of Phone eNews, I regretfully must warn readers of the end of the impending end of the Phone eNews era. In view of a probable McSame victory in November, I am expecting fantastic financial rewards from the next big financial bubble, susistence farming. I'm investing heavily in an Ohio company that produces one bottom plows with harnesses fitted for the average American housewife. We've contracted that exercise guy, Richard Simmons, to do a video, "Plowing to the Oldies." A McSame spokesman stated, "Nothing in John Dwight's Supreme Court nominations will interfere with this. We are against leather for kinky sex, not as an aid for women taking their rightful place as productive members of American society."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by fellow invester James Dobson, who paid the McSame campaign millions to get in on the ground floor of this.

Washington, DC - In commemoration of the 40th anniversary of the encyclical
of Pope Paul VI banning artificial birth control, pResident Bu$h declared that it is now the official position of the United States government that life begins before conception and that all attempts at contraception are murder. Surrounded by a group of potential anti-abortion sabateurs who wish to be employed by Planned Parenthood, Bu$h stated, "When you were just a twinkle in your daddy's eye, you were a gift from God and any attempt to prevent you would have been a "conscious act against the will of God" and the murder of a human being." Under the new federal rules, refusing to fill prescriptions for "Plan B" or "The Pill" cannot be considered cause for dismissal of phamacists, no matter how loud and abusive they become at the customer and ... sale of condoms will result in arrest and trial for murder as an "accessory before the (f)ACT."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by a Advil researcher who suspects that Laura Bu$h has had one headache too many and that Barbara Bush has had one headache too few.

Dover, Delaware - From the offices of Dover International Speedway, Democratic Presidential candidate, Barrack Obama, announced a two race deal with DEI to be the primary sponser of the #8 US Army car in the Dover 400 and Kansas 400, the last two Sprint Cup races before the November election. The McSame campaign immediately called foul, pointing to a NY Times article that called for his own entry, a turn of the century "Go or Go Home" Stanley Steamer that would have to qualify on time, to be banned from the race because of fogging of windshields of cars in its draft.  Ignoring the technical specifications of the "Car of Today," McSame crew members shocked Goodyear engineers by putting an extra 15 pounds of air pressure into left tires and adjusting the sway bars to facilitate sharp right turns on the ovals.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Darrell Waltrip who laughed hysterically while stating that even he would not accept the McSame ride.