Cooperstown, New York - In a brief ceremony here at the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum, baseball inducted two Democratic "Big Hitters" to the Hall. Ohio Congresscritter Dennis Kucinich, a notorious pull hitter, was honored with the Golden Eagle Award for a string of 438 consecutive long balls during the 2008 season... all over the left field wall and all fowl balls. President Elect Barrack Obama was honored for hitting 365 hard line drives to left center field including a game winner on Nov 3rd that scored two... the House and the Senate. Republicans squealed that the Hall of Fame is biased for not giving them an award for an eight year long string of bunts down the first base line, each proclaimed by Faux News and other fans to be home runs.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Joe the Plummer who has returned to his day job working with clogged toilets in minor league stadiums across the nation.

     In 1960 the conduct of presidential campaigns underwent dramatic change. John Kennedy introduced the techniques of commercial marketing into politics for the first time. Using demographic segmenting, issues polling, focus groups and other such tools, Kennedy was able to appeal to particular important demographic groups with unprecedented precision. Today these methods are ubiquitous at all levels of politics.

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Continue reading "The Role of Money in Politics"

Washington, DC - Faced with the possibility of expulsion from the Senate in spite of his re-election after his seven corruption convictions, Republican Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska has pledged that he would enter the special election to replace himself, raising the spectre of a Senator being removed twice during a single session of Congress.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by RJ Eskow, the Alaska Party's Founder.

Phoenix, AZ - Shortly before Republican Sarah Palin and her family flew from the McSame Victory Celebration to Alaska, a campaign worker formerly assoicated with the Mitt Romney campaign was heard telling the Palin children, "I hope that when you get home you will like the pony that your mother said the RNC was buying for you." No witnesses were on hand to report the kids' disappointment when they reached Wasilla, but neighbors recalled the despondence and tears last spring when the kids "adopted" an orphan caribou which later was made into a delicous stew.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Jay "Tomkin" Warren, who we could not confirm to be a former Romney advisor or Bu$h staffer.

Beverly Hills - Media moguls in tinsel town announced today that, in response to a request from the Democratic Party, they have provided front money for a 50 city speaking tour for disgraced Republican vice presidential hopeful Sarah Palin. On condition of anonymity, an "A list" movie producer stated, "This is not charity. The entertainment industry will be be helped by her continuing exposure representing the Republican Party." The money men expect to recoup most of their investiment with $100 a plate moose burger dinners featuring question and answer periods from the dais with interrogation by bipartisan panels of smarmy liberal bloggers and embarrassed, angry Republican pundits and strategists. Rumors in Alaska are that the governor will be looking for more lucrative employment to pay for designer cloths, but most local sources expected her to pick up a gig hosting a TV quiz show modelled after "Are You Smarter than a Sixth Grader."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Florida's Katherine Harris who also expected to be an important figure in conservative politics.

Nairobi - Along side the recent spike in the number of boys in President Elect Barrack Obama's father's homeland being named Barrack, this starstruck African nation is witnessing another naming phenomenon as thousands of Christian Kenyans are going to court to drop the first name, Sarah. One regional functionary stated, "They would rather be called Charles or Billy Bob than Sarah. One young lady offered to fight for the name Sue but settled for Johnny." When contacted for comment, former vice presidential hopeful Sarah Palin said, "Our church has many missionaries in the country of Africa and promotes Christian names like Golda, Yitzhak and Ariel."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Barry O'Bama, an Irish heraldry expert and renowned designer of post-modern coats of arms.

Washington, DC - Senators Mitch McConnel , "Mad Joe" Lieberman, and Hillary Clinton, in a joint press release, announced their intention to fight any attempts by the Obama administration to bring trucks and tanks back from Iraq without full gas tanks. Said Lieberman, "This has been the most expensive 'Fill'er Up!' in the history of the internal combustion engine." Senator McConnel added, "Some of the woosie boys of the left want to empty the tanks in the interest of safety." Senator Clinton stated, "I only signed on because the boys promised me some of Sarah's cloths. The pants suits didn't work for me last time."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Mr. Goodrench who is training for a new career in wedding planning.

Wassilla - There is a sale (50% off) on Sarah Pailin autograph model condoms. She says removing the front half for Republican customers will provide a whole new generation of Republicans. She also says that Democratic customers don't need full sized condoms. So she's just cutting them in half ... it's a conservation measure.

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This item was called into Phone eNews by former Senator Al Gore who, according to Faux News during the 2000 election, clained to have invented the condom.

Skyboxes at same cost as bleacher seats. "Why should rich people in the Skyboxes have to pay more than poor people in the bleachers? They all see the same game ... that's class warfare." If poor people have enough money to invest millions in campaign contributions to Obama, they have enough money to share more equally in the cost of sports events.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Sen. Ted Stevens who recently added money for heated luxory sky boxes for the Iditerod.

Wassilla - Noticing a recent and dramatic increase in sales in the 99654 zip code, Saks has decided to open a new store in this formerly sleepy backward Alaska town. Plans include authentic native mukluks, hunting garb, and a complete line of Joe the Plumber uniforms.

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This item was called in by a former Frank Zappa costume designer, Nanuk of the North.