My Hurley Blog - Phone eNews

Phone eNews - Republicans Make Plans for Speed Week

nospam@example.com (RL) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 18:53:37 -0400

Palm Sprints, FL - Republican leader and talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, has called for NASCAR to move the Budweiser ShootOut to Circuit de Spa-Francorchamps in Brussels, stating, "It is important that foreign sponors, like Budweiser, hold races in their home countries. Many Speedweeks events have more appropriate venues." Little Richard Lowry, over ongoing drunken rowdiness at the National Review over the failed Chicago Olympic bid, cited Bristol as a track that should be replaced by a "real bullring" in Pamplona, Pocono should be held at Bermuda's Traingle and WalMart, as "the largest retailer of NASCAR products with the greatest selection of NASCAR licensee and sponsor products for our fans" (Don Rothwell, managing director of Licensing Retail Development for NASCAR), should move the Darlington race to Communist China. A tearful Glen Beck added that he loved his country and blamed Obama for the communist, fascist thinking that limits drivers to all left turns at so many tracks. Bill OhReally added, "I call on all my listeners to boycott LifeLock products until they move their NASCAR sponsored stock car race to Rio de Janeiro."

This item was called in to Phone eNews by King Richard Petty, the only European style Royal ever to drive the American stock car circuit.

Phone eNews - Democrats Reject Republican Health Care Compromise

nospam@example.com (RL) — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 15:43:05 -0400

Washinton, DC - Republican negotiators stormed out of a meeting about procedures covered under the Senate version of the health care bill, prompting one Democratic staffer to say, "The Republicans are just pissed because the Public Option does not cover their most needed medical procedure, the InterCranial Rhetomechtomy, the removal of one's head from one's butt." The issue came to a head when Senator Mitch McConnell from Kentucky recalled being billed more than $5000 for an out of network bobcat and operator when his Tuscumbia, Alabama hospital argued that normal medical tools were poorly suited for such a large task. Boaner specified that it was never ruled a previously existing condition... but rather a chronic hereditory defect. When Dems laughed at his suggestion that the bobcat rental, at least, should be covered, the senator thought they were mocking his large head and stormed out to a previously scheduled press opportunity on the Senate steps.

This item was called in to Phone eNews by China's leading proctologist and heavy equipment operator, Dr. Yu Kno Hu, most famous for the removal of the anal cyst from famous radio hitman and draft dodger, Rush Limbaugh.

Phone eNews - Cheney to Vet VP Candidates

nospam@example.com (RL) — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 21:07:50 -0400

West Palm Beach - Sources close to Dick "Shooter" Cheney revealed today, on condition of anonymity, that Republican Hate Radio host, Rush Limbaugh, has asked the former Vice pResident, to vet potential running mates for the 2012 election. Hoping to reduce the chances of another 2000 cycle debacle, in which Cheney found himself most qualified, "friends" of, first-term Kansas congresswoman Lynn Jenkins, are suggesting that Cheney get the campaign job only if he excludes himself the VP slot. They hope that if Rushbaugh needs a woman to balance the ticket, he will not make the same 15 minute mistake that Sen. John McCain made. Contacted for comment, Republican Hopeful, Mike Hucklebee stated that he could not take the job since he is working on his abilities to deal with political foes, like the less Christian idealogues at Faux News.

This item was called in by Minnesota Mad Woman, Michelle Bachman, who is reporting offers from numerous gay, lesbian, bisexual and transexual groups wishing to become blood brothers with her. She has stated, "I'd rather exchange fluids with them than have sex with a Republican... you never know what those horn dogs will bring back from Argentina.

Phone eNews - Ranch Needs Clearing

nospam@example.com (RL) — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 21:47:31 -0400

Crawford, Texas - With the national press deployed to Matha's Vineyard to watch the Obama vacation, many neighbors are complaining about the overgrowth on former pResident Bu$h's ranch in this arid armpit of Texas. "We pride ourselves in the endless vista of dirt, rocks, and snakes. We contribute nothing to absorbing carbon dioxide," stated one local ranch owner, addung, "The Bush boy should be a better example... spew some smoke out of the chain saw and kill some foliage."

This item was called in by Paul Bunyon who when called on his claim to have logged the Great Sahara Forest with the claim it is a desert, answered, "It is now."

Phone eNews - Bu$h Almost Closed Gitmo

nospam@example.com (RL) — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 17:22:00 -0400

Washington - Secret Documents released today reveal former President George Bu$h planned to close the prison at Guantanamo which has become a symbol of American prisoner abuse and a major recruiting tool for Al Quebong terrorists. The heavily redacted notes of a White House meeting reveal a four step plan:

Adjust border making prison part of Cub.
Evacuate leaving prisoners with 3 day supply of food and water but keys to cells out of reach.
Leave in the dark of night to a smaller perimeter fence.
Inform the Cuban government of the new boundary and the section that is now theirs.

John Yoo, at that time a Justice Department
attorney wrote , in a margin, "not only legal, it's downright clever"
The plan was rejected after VP Dick Cheney held out for charging Cubans for buildings and 400 slaves at 1776 rates (corrected for inflation). His position was rejected as "unworkable" unless the administration agreed to meet with Cuban leaders.

This item was called in by by Juan Pablo Gomez, a well known Miami real estate salesman.

Phone eNews - Health Care Abortion Reform

nospam@example.com (RL) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 14:30:02 -0400

ZephyrHills, Florida - Miss Tilly Jones, an 87 year old resident of the Pleasant Valley Senior Home and part time WalMart greeter, has chained herself to the the doorway of the local office of Representative Ginny Brown-Waite (R-FL) to protest the failure of the Democrats to include appropriate reproductive services in the versions of health insurance reform currently working their way through Congress, stating "If a 20 something screws up and becomes pregnant, it is generally covered by private insurance. Let a octogenarian get a little kinky and the government makes themselves scrarce, just like the horn dogs here at Pleasant Valley... no morning after pill, no abortion ... nothing."

This item was called in from Madagascar by Angelina Jolie who has adopted over 37% of all babies born in Florida senior facilities since Nov. 2001.

Phone eNews - Republican Health Care Proposal

nospam@example.com (RL) — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 16:17:28 -0400

Washington, DC - The anxiously awaited Republican plan to fix the problems with American health care have been released. Important provisions include free pickle jars for grass roots fund raising of money for juvenile kidney transplants, to be paid for by selling the naming rights to public buildings. The high bidder for the Building of the Department of Health, Education and Welfare so far is United Health Care, the insurance company most known for turning down health coverage for Terry Schiavo because they ruled that death was a previously existing condition.

This item was called in posthumorously by "Little Snot Nose Johnny" who was not well liked and didn't get enough change in his pickel jar to receive a new kidney.

Phone eNews - Insurance Companies Choose Public Option

nospam@example.com (RL) — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 20:20:45 -0400

Hartford, CT - A poll of inurance company executives, including auto, life, and health care companies show 87% of all insurance company workers, including mid-level executives, will see their insurance coverage transferred to the "public option" once it passes Congress and becomes law. One top health insurance executive, on condition of anonymity, stated, "We will enhance our bottom line by transferring as many employees as possible to the government program, saving ourselves the expense and deterioration of moral intrinsic to denying procedures to our staff and their families." Another added, "With what we are spending on publicity and lobbyists to defeat the public option, we will not be able afford even that without lowering dividends."

This item was called in by former UnitedHealth Group CEO Bill McGuire, who can cover all his health care costs out of pocket.

Phone eNews - Republican Governor Outsources Mistresses

nospam@example.com (RL) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 20:38:24 -0400

Columbia, SC - "US chippies aren't good enough for him, or does he object to high wages and having to pay for benefits?" shouted a a Chaleston, SC "working girl" as she was being dragged from a packed press conference of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. Ignoring the obvious comparison to a long string of Republican Party "family values" champions, Ensign, Vitter, Craig, Haggard, Gingrich ... the Republican Party front runner for the 2012 presidential nomination and CATO Institute favorite, Gov. Sanford, has long been a champion of smaller government and announced that his five day absence proves that state government can be smaller, by at least one ... by removing the governor position. Investigation of the funding of the governor's intercontinental tryst continues in the context of three previous trips at the state's expense. Congressional Republicans are scheduling him as guest speaker at a luncheon so, like Sen. John Ensign of Nevada, he can, uninterrupted by pesky press follow-up questions, apologize, receive a round of applaus, and leave this sordid episode behind him. Members of the National Prostitute's Union could not be contacted for comment on this story.

This item was called in by DC Madam, Deborah Jeane Palfrey, who is now almost destitute as a result of cheap foreign labor.

Phone eNews - NRA Bans Concealed Carry in National Headquarters

nospam@example.com (RL) — Sat, 20 Jun 2009 15:53:23 -0400

Fairfax, VA - For years, the 15-position shooting range in the basement of the National Rifle Associations headquarters west of the nation's capital, has been a Mecca for serious shooters and gun advocates. This is not expected to change, in spite of the gun lobbying organization's recent decision to ban concealed carry on the premises. "The Bu$h failed economy, the spike in ammunition prices, and the large number of unemployed devotees, have caused us a financial shortfall that can only be met with staff cuts, " said Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre, adding "Disgruntled former employees increase the possibility of shooting incidents which might garner national media attention. We would have to shoot back at anybody threatening the arms industries profit potential. Banning these guns will make NRA executives much safer."

This item was called in to Phone eNews by U.S. Grant, the eighth President of the NRA.